My name is Bianca Dixon. I live in a small town in Ohio. I'm 42 years old. My clean date is February 3, 2014.
Mother of 1, Stepmother of 3. I love the outdoors, decorating, thrifting, and watching the Ohio State Buckeyes
My Kratom Journal
So, here we go. Back in 2011, I was fresh out of treatment. I was living in a Sober house. A bunch of us from treatment decided to take this route. We were all pretty great pals after spending endless hours and days together in the Wilmington Treatment Center in North Carolina. We weren't far from downtown nor the East Coast beach. I'd pretty much say it was the ideal spot to recover from our addictions and spend our days in meetings across the city. At night we had a curfew, and it would get later with good behavior and negative drug screens. We were quite aware that we could get kicked out of our Sober houses if we failed to pass any of these random drug screens. There was a group of us.
Guys and Gals. We did everything together and we had a blast. We decided one night to all go downtown and hit a Kava/ Kratom Bar. I had no idea what this was, but everyone made it sound like it was amazing. I was stoked to get out and go have fun that night.
We arrived to this place and I didn't know what to expect. It was dimly lit, chill, palm trees everywhere, and the music was my kinda vibes. I was digging it. I sat down at the bar and the bartender made me a cup of hot Kava. I was cool with this. Some of my buddies started buying this green shit. By the gram. To add to the Kava. It reminded me alot of drugs, to be honest. It was strange. The guys started questioning the bartender on whether this would show up on a drug screen or not. He wasn't totally sure, but didn't think so. I was like, what the fuck is this shit?? They started pouring this green powder into the Kava and I wanted to try. My friend gave me some and I stirred it up in my tea. I drank a bit. It tasted like absolute shit. Like I was drinking mud water or sludge. I drank it up and sat there vibin' with the great music, my friends and I chatting away. I remember feeling a little spacey. But, a good spacey. I was weirdly feeling high. And super happy. Absurdly friendly. I liked this stuff. How was this legal?! This was too good to be true. Wow. My friends bought some for the road and I was super jealous. I was so broke and definately couldn't afford to buy it. I never went back to that bar again. In fact, I ended up getting kicked out of my Sober house for relapsing on Cocaine and Alcohol. I moved back to Ohio to be with my family and try this Clean thing again.
A few years ahead...
During our Vape Company business we'd have several vendors reach out to us. At this time, Jeff and I were both in recovery.
We both had decent amounts of time under our belts. So, we had these people constantly calling and wanting to send us samples of their products for our website. Jeff got a call from a Kratom vendor. A lightbulb went off in my head. I had almost forgotten about Kratom! I eagerly encouraged him to accept the samples and he did. I told him about how I'd tried it before and it was great! We recieved the samples and for some odd reason we packed them away in a box and forgot about them. A couple months went by and I was cleaning the house. I stumbled across the box and opened it. It was the Kratom samples. How had I forgotten about these?! These were in capsules this time and I took some out and popped them in my mouth. Within 30 minutes, I was motivated and bouncing around my house. I felt so good. I felt this
tingly body buzz that was almost comparable to the euphoria of when I used to pop opiates. I loved that feeling.
Again, how was this legal?! Haha! I didn't care. This was a miracle drug, I thought. It took away my sadness. I was so sick of feeling depressed all the time. I felt like I could take on the world. Mind you, I had felt this same feeling when I first tried Cocaine. And that was definately not a miracle drug, but absolutely fucked my life up and down and all around. But, this was a leaf. A tea. Botanical. Whatever the fuck. It was legal. And I loved it. It made me happy.
This began years of Kratom use and abuse. I used it every. single. day. Popping pills or powder into hot water and drinking this awesome miraculous tea. Once a day turning to 2,3,4,5 and sometimes 6 times a day. Every time the effects starting to slow down, I'd dose right back up. My tolerance was building and I was using way too much and I knew it.
I'd panic if I got low on my Kratom and I'd make it a priority to drive over an hour to buy more. I often wondered how I'd stop this habit. I thought I'd have to use this forever! And what if the DEA banned it from Ohio? OMG. What would I do?? I'd heard some horrifying withdrawal stories, but I couldn't imagine it would be all that bad. After all, I'd been through withdrawals from just about everything.
Kratom became my best friend. It gave me hope, and happiness. It made me joyful and excited in life. Even when things were complete shit. But, It was a fucking liar. All of these were false. I began carrying around thermoses of hot water to every place I went. Car rides, work, parties, family gatherings, the list goes on. I just said I was drinking my tea.
Ha! Sort of. I always felt like I was hiding shit. I was. I would absolutely never tell my family or friends what I was really drinking. They might judge me. I was so scared of that. I wished that I could tell someone though. It was a really weird addiction. I knew I had a problem. I was ashamed. How did I get myself into this mess??! I felt like an addict all over again. And that's enough to depress the every living shit out of you.
I knew it started getting bad when I had to have it. In fact, when it came time to go on my Honeymoon, I was worried.
We were heading to the Dominican, an entirely different country. I'd traveled on plenty of flights with Kratom and had no problems. But, I will mention, that it was quite scary and nerve wracking. You just don't know if you'll get in trouble or asked what all this green powder in your bag is. It's kinda like smuggling drugs. Well, not that bad at all, but still it's very sketchy looking and very controversial. Not to mention, there are some States and Countries that this stuff is BANNED. I researched over and over trying to make sure I'd be able to pack all this Kratom in my bags so that I could still use it daily on my Honeymoon. I never got a real answer so I crossed my fingers that I wouldn't end up in a 3rd world prison when my plane landed. I made it through just fine and what a relief that was. I mean, I couldn't imagine quitting cold turkey and going through withdrawals on my Honeymoon. This behavior was a little risky for me and I knew back in May that I was definately addicted to Kratom.
Fast forward 5 months:
I was low on cash and running out of Kratom. I knew the day would come when I'd have trouble getting this. I took my last dose and was soon feeling withdrawal symptoms come over me. I made Jeff run to the local smoke shop to get me a bag. It wasn't even good. And way overpriced. I felt sick and guilty at how much he paid for me to just feel normal again. I dosed up and felt 100% soon after. I finished up that bag and ordered more online. A company I liked was having some major sales on Kratom. A couple weeks after that, I was running low again. I did not have the extra money to buy more and I wasn't going to ask Jeff for money to buy more. I refused. I was done. Suck it up, Buttercup.
Here we go.
The last morning, I took my final dose. I was a fucking nervous wreck. For many reasons. I knew deep down this had to be it. Part of me wanted to quit, but most of me was scared shitless. I was fearful of things to come. How bad would this get? My world was about to be turned upside down and I was about to find out what years of Kratom use had done to my body and mind. I thought I was prepared. I had no idea just how bad things were about to get. Nothing prepared me for the nightmarish things to come.
About 12 hours later, I was crashing. I was up late on my couch jokingly posting about how I couldn't sleep. But, by 3:30am my legs started getting restless. I panicked. I knew I was about to go through some shit. I'd felt this too many times during past withdrawals to illegal addictive substances I had abused. Not sure how, but I managed to get to sleep around 4:30am. I was back up at 5:30am. and in tremendous amounts of pain. This began an entire week of the worst physical and mental pain and anguish that I have ever been through. I hate to even write about this experience because it was very traumatic for me to go through. I went 5 days with no sleep. The insomnia damn near made me want to blow my brains out or hang myself or slice my wrists open. I was definately suicidal at times and it was terrifying. Utterly terrifying. I thought I was losing my mind. I was paranoid, hallucinating, and in a state of depression that scared me to the core. I wanted to call 911 every single hour as I paced my house for hours upon hours. My legs so restless, my heart beating out of my chest because of fear, eyes wide open, but like a fucking zombie walking the rooms of my house at all hours of the night. Vomiting and diarhhea wouldn't stop coming. I couldn't eat or drink. Fuck, I could barely cry.
I felt so low, but I was so tired that my body felt like it was taking on a mind of it's own. I couldn't function. All that came out of me were moans and cries and whimpers begging and pleading to take the pain away. I thought I was going to die. I truly did. I thought, my body is just going to give up. All the violent shaking, and sweating, and pacing, and no sleep. I was sure I'd die. My heart hadn't stopped pumping a gazillion miles a minute for days. Into day 2 and 3 became intolerable. Still don't know how I did this alone. Jesus. By day 5, We went to the Emergency room. I'd lost 10 pounds, had not slept or ate in days. I was relieved to be there. Only problem is, noone knew what Kratom was. I felt defeated. How was I to get help if noone knew? How does noone know what this stuff is, for fuck's sake?!! I can't be the only one this has happened to, right? They were able to research and get me some meds to help calm me down and get through. They barely worked, but they took the edge off. I had a few more rough days after that. It slowly got better, but I'm almost 2 and a half weeks out of this mess and still not doing great. I am being closely monitored and tested by my doctor and getting my body and mind back to where it needs to be. I'm sleeping better, but still struggle at night and have to sleep with a light on. Those long days and nights I didn't sleep really messed me up and I get severe anxiety when it's time to lay down. I'm mentally still a bit off, but I'm getting there. Still very tired, weak and achy.
Feeling lots of guilt for even putting myself through this nonsense again. I'm so grateful to be off of this stuff though.
My name is Bianca D.
This is my story. My experience. I have been a daily Kratom user for a solid 7 years. I understand that this is controversial and I used to be a Kratom advocate, but my views and thoughts on Kratom have changed. Pushing to keep this stuff legal, now makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not saying there may not be benefits to Kratom, but it didn't work out for me in the long run. I hear stories of how wonderful this stuff is, but these people are using Kratom daily. What happens when you need or have to get off of it? Yes, you can taper down and that's probably a better option than going off of it cold turkey. But, if it's not addictive, these measures should not have to even have to be taken, right? This scares me. I was highly addicted to this substance, but no longer am I in it's grips, and thank God. This is just a precaution to those that get into this stuff. Just. Be. Careful.